•     Make the time to do simple things you enjoy. This could be listening to your favourite music, reading a good book, phoning a friend or meeting them for lunch.

•     Spend time with people who make you laugh, and watch comedies.

•    Make sure you get enough sleep. If you are chronically tired, every difficulty will be harder to cope with.

•    Exercise. It is impossible to be thinking about your problems if you are flat out exercising.

•    If something is bothering you, talk about it to a friend or family member you trust.

•    Take a holiday each year. You don’t have to go far; just a change in scenery and routine can do wonders for restoring motivation.

•    Find something in life you are passionate about and be involved in it regularly. Life has so many things to offer, there is never a reason to feel bored.

•    Remember to be grateful for all the wonderful people and things in your life.

•    Having a regular massage is a great way to release tension from your body.

•    Learn meditation, yoga or Tai Chi. Stress management techniques like this can reduce your risk of heart disease by 50 percent.

•    Breath slowly and deeply. Often when we are stressed we take shallow breaths or hold our breath for short periods of time.

*23/53/5*

The other reason why my patient was skeptical was that he didn’t want to give up the game he had been unconsciously playing until then—the passive game of “Oh, what I have to endure because of you.” He would rather have continued that game and derive its secondary benefits of feeling morally superior to his “rejecting” wife than take an action designed to end their ritualistic conundrum. All too often we would rather cling to an old way, even if it is not working, than venture to a new one.

*101/196/1*

“Everything’s hopeless.”

“Yes, everything.”

“Sex is hopeless.”

“Absolutely hopeless.”

“Nothing matters.”

“Why bother?”

As they continue, they may become more personal.

“Life is hopeless, but I’m having sex with you anyway.”

“It’s all hopeless, but I’m kissing you.”

“You’re hopeless, but you have a nice tongue.”

“You’re hopeless, but I might as well use you.” As they become excited, they continue the negativity.

“I’m getting excited, but it’s useless.”

“I’m getting a little excited too, but it doesn’t mean anything.”

“It’s hopeless.”

“Everything’s hopeless.”

“Perhaps I’ll have a hopeless orgasm.”

“Yes, a very hopeless orgasm.”

*76/196/1*

If the active spouse can manage to pull off this abrupt change in attitude with sincerity, it can have amazing results. The wife may throw herself into his arms right away, disarmed by this new attitude and the mysterious, provocative bow tie. The fact of the tie, plus his statement that she could remove it only when they have sex, will immediately put their sexual relationship on a different plane: Instead of the whining corn-plainer for whom she must do her duty, he becomes a charming, teasing challenge. And he will in fact be mirroring her own mode, offering care while withholding sex.

In more difficult cases, it may take a while to break down the wife’s resistance. The husband must be prepared to wait as long as necessary, pouring on the kindness and bearing her skepticism and anger with grace. It is a game of wills, and he must funnel his own anger into this constructive battle, killing (defeating) her with kindness. Eventually, if he persists, she will surrender.

Once she does, a new balance will have been accomplished. She will have given herself to him not out of guilt or duty, but because at last she really wanted to. And he will have taken perhaps his first step in learning the value of constructive charm.

*51/196/1*

For extremely difficult cases, the wife may need to do something more physical. She may, for instance, have some champagne (or his favorite other drink) ready and can try to loosen him up with that. She may offer a massage for his tired shoulders. She may perform a belly dance or striptease. Or, she may crawl up to him on her knees, unzip his pants, and take a hands-on approach to seduction. Each case will be different, and in each case the wife must rely on her own understanding of what her husband’s particular weakness is. If he’s obsessed with the stock market, she may suddenly show miraculous knowledge of that day’s activity. If he loves baseball, she may suddenly reverse her usual aversion to it, don a baseball cap, and begin a conversation about that day’s game, the statistics of the opposing pitchers, the need for a new manager, and so on.

*26/196/1*

As sex usually involves two people, these fears occur within a social context. Sometimes a critical variable is not the patient’s fear of dysfunction but the partner’s fear of the patient’s dysfunction. One man, with sexual impotence, stated that the fear of dysfunction did not begin to appear until well after the impotence was established. Even at the time of consultation, that fear was not particularly strong. Further exploration revealed that his mate had had a series of experiences with sexually impotent men, that she was phobic to the thought that her current lover would become impotent, that because of this fear she was extremely anxious during sex. It was her anxiety, or rather his reaction to her anxiety, that brought about the dysfunction. Reduction of her fears relieved his impotence without any direct treatment of the man.

Sometimes the fear of dysfunction is combined with an assertive problem. The patient is usually an obsessive male who has great difficulty in saying “no” to a woman in a close relationship. This is especially true in the sexual area. Resentment builds up, and he begins to wish that he were impotent, as a means of gaining freedom. This wish is rapidly converted into a fear and then into an obsessive thought. Dysfunction follows. We have had only fair success in treating patients with this condition, several of whom also failed in couple sex therapy.

Finally, although not inclusive, is the fear of dysfunction as a mask for other fears. The core fear may be the partner’s reaction rather than the dysfunction itself, that the partner may become angry, frustrated, contemptuous, rejecting or even more common with women, pitying. In these conditions, even when reduction of the fear of the dysfunction is successful, there is a tendency for the dysfunction to return. Treatment cannot be considered complete until the fear of the partner’s reaction is removed.

Although the fear of dysfunction is the most common phobic reaction, many others do exist. Any part of the sex act or situation may become a phobic stimulus. Among phobic stimuli we have seen are parts of the partner’s body (especially the genitals), physiological sensations as

the person approaches climax such as change in breathing (in several patients with a history of childhood asthma) or rapid heartbeat, fear of performing specific sexual acts (which often include both the fear of being “perverted” and the so-called masturbation guilt), and the fear of not enjoying specific sexual acts (especially among young adults who are afraid of being “inhibited” or “uptight”).

Many of these fears are very subtle, and part of the art of behavior therapy is to identify them. One young woman could not have a climax in the presence of another person. The core fear turned out to be the fear of being ugly. She believed that during climax her face became contorted and that even in total darkness her partner might see it. One man had a history of losing all sexual interest in any long-term relationship. After a long investigation the problem turned out to be the fear of boredom. Reduction of this fear appeared to have changed the problem pattern.

Communication between the couple is especially important to attain a good sexual relationship. Hence, special note must be taken of those fears which inhibit such communication. However, regardless of what the specific fears are, usually the most effective method for reducing them is through the assertive training approaches rather than through phobic reduction methods.

Nonsexual phobic stimuli may also disrupt sexual functioning. Fear of darkness is but one example of the many that can be cited. As stated before, part of the art of behavior therapy is the identification of such specific phobias.

*236/187/5*

In current usage, there are those who define homosexuality mentalistically as a trait, state, or disposition emanating from the personality, and those who define it behaviorally as something that happens between two people with similar sex organs. The mentalist says that a person can be homosexual, even though his or her only sexual practices have been heterosexual, provided the erotic imagery is consistently homosexual. To the mentalist, a single homosexual act by itself does not make the person homosexual, because homosexuality is defined as a continuing state of mind or personality. The behaviorist says that a single homosexual act makes a person homosexual for the duration of that act, but from that one act alone it will not be possible to predict more of the same in the future, nor what the person will say or do to indicate a trait, status, or disposition toward homosexuality.

The only evidence that both a behaviorist and a mentalist have about homosexuality is behavioral, that is, what the ostensible homosexual says or does. Thus, it makes sense to define homosexuality in terms of two people each with a penis or two each with a vagina in an erotic partnership. Anything further about the fortuitousness of the event versus its replication, and anything about the imagery and thoughts of the partners, will need extra information. Only then can an inference be made about whether either partner is an obligative versus a facultative (situational) homosexual, the latter being in fact a bisexual. Homosexuality is extensively, though quite wrongly, used as a synonym for bisexuality in today’s literature.

Extra information, over and beyond that of erotic performance, also is needed before an inference can be made regarding the extent or pervasiveness of the gender transposition in homosexuality. There are some male homosexuals who manifest negligible femininity vocationally and recreationally. Even in erotic performance, they may be more masculine than feminine in what they do, except that it is usually considered a feminine trait to have a male copulatory partner. The same applies, vice versa, in the case of the female homosexual.

A male homosexual who manifests little gender transposition, except for entering into an erotic activity or partnership with a male, is often said to have a male gender identity, but to prefer a male partner. For the sake of precision, one should say more restrictively that his gender identity/role is predominantly male, though not completely so. Sexual practice and partnership are components of gender identity/role and must be included in its definition as masculine or feminine in any given case.

*199/187/5*

Obstacles to women’s advancement in non-traditional areas derive both from forces within women themselves and from forces outside them. Women’s fear of success (Horner), limited self-confidence (Lenney), low achievement motivation (Veroff, Wilcox, and Atkinson) and role conflict (Hall) are some of the internal factors detrimentally affecting their own achievement. Discussion of these phenomena, although they act to support and maintain sex discriminatory practices, is not within the scope of this essay. It is designed to explore only the externally imposed barriers that thwart women in their quest for equality.

Because they are so central to the issues of women’s advancement, the focus of our concerns will be the experiences women encounter in the work world. When considering work-related discrimination it is necessary to distinguish between its two different forms (Levitan, Quinn, and Staines; Terborg and Ilgen). One is the non job-related limitations put on members of a subgroup influencing their attempts to enter an organization. This is called access discrimination. Funneling of women to some jobs and not others, failing to hire women applicants for certain positions, and offering a lower salary to women as compared to men all are examples of access discrimination on the basis of sex. The other form of discrimination, treatment discrimination, is the differential treatment of members of a subgroup once they have gained access to a position and are at work on the job. Promoting women more slowly than men, giving them fewer opportunities to learn new skills, or giving them lower or less frequent salary raises all are examples of treatment discrimination involving sex.

Because beliefs about women and how they compare to men are widely shared within our culture and are assumed to apply to nearly all men and women as members of their respective groups, these beliefs are called stereotypes. According to Terborg, sex stereotypes have two components. First, they specify the characteristics of each sex. Second, they dictate which behaviors are appropriate to men and women. Either of these can form the basis of sex discrimination, one based on faulty beliefs about what women are like and the other based on normative expectations about what women should be like.

*162/187/5*

At the other end of the ethnographic spectrum one finds communities like Inis Beag (Messenger), an island of the Irish Gaeltacht. Messenger was amazed at the minimal attention to and knowledge about sexual matters: “Lack of sexual knowledge and misconceptions about sex among adults combine to brand Inis Beag as one of the most sexually naive of the world’s societies”. When Messenger asked one woman to compare the sexual proclivities of Inis Beag men and women, she responded, “Men can wait a long time for ‘it,’ but we can wait a lot longer”.

The extreme cases of Polynesian islanders and Irish peasants are difficult to explain. In an exceptionally provocative paper in this regard, Heider argues that the level of sexual energy is culturally determined, not innately fixed as the Freudians have it. The Dani of New Guinea invest an extraordinarily low amount of energy in sexual pursuits. In fact, Heider finds that the Dani do not invest much energy in anything. They engage in intercourse just frequently enough to maintain the population.

Coincident with this low interest in sexuality, Heider finds low intellectuality, impoverished art, and low levels of affect, for example, in their casual attitude towards death. Heider finds five lines of evidence:

1. Sexual abstinence four to six years postpartum. The Dani told Heider that parents should refrain from sex from the time of birth to the time the child is five years old (approximately, since the Dani do not reckon time in years). Whatever the actual period is, it contrasts notably with the period reported for couples in other societies, such as Tahitian parents who continue intercourse until two or three weeks before birth and commence again one or two months after birth (Levy).

2. The period of postpartum sexual abstinence is invariably observed. The Dani assert this (and Heider believes them) and furthermore, no Dani full siblings are less than five years apart in age.

3. The norm of long postpartum sexual abstinence is neither supported by powerful explanation nor enforced by strong sanctions. Heider understands the sanction as a somewhat casual, pro forma sanction. They do not abstain from sex for fear of death, ghosts, or any other moral imperative. Rather, sexual abstinence is easy; it is not an issue.

4. Most people have no other sexual outlets. Although one Dani man apparently had nine wives, only a minority had more than one (43 of 148 total males had more than one wife). Heider rejects the possibility of two wives bearing children for the same man within a few years of each other; wives tend to live in separate compounds, and men are likely to stay in the compound with the new infant for the first year or so of its life, effectively restrained from sexual visitations with other wives. Heider eliminates other possible sexual outlets for men: coitus interruptus with a wife, extramarital sexual intercourse, masturbation, homosexuality, and bestiality. According to Heider, none of these is practiced by Dani men, although they are not specifically prohibited by the regulations of postpartum sexual abstinence.

5. No one shows any signs of unhappiness or stress during the period of abstinence. Heider tried to get Dani men to talk about how they felt about celibacy. None of them reported much of a problem, and Heider could detect no anxiety or discomfort.

Considering all the data, Heider argues that Dani culture is in a steady state, lacking climax or motion, and is in a low-energy field. He contrasts it with the Balinese reported by Bateson, also in a steady state, this a high-energy one.

Heider found two possible causes for the low energy level of Dani cultural forms, including sexuality. One is ecological: Dani receive low stimulation from the environment (the Dani are rather isolated socially). The other is developmental: the infants are reared in low stress conditions. Recently Pontius has suggested a third hypothesis, this one medical. Dani subfertility, a subject Heider did not explore, may be caused by a combination of two factors: (1) tight scrotal strings which may rupture the epididymal ductus, and (2) a low protein diet.

The Ik are another group with a reportedly low interest in sexual activity. This small hunting group in East Africa is on the verge of starvation (Turnbull). In documenting the social decay of the Ik, Turnbull reports that although these “loveless people” do in fact engage in intercourse (which implies at least a degree of mutuality and cooperation), they do so somewhat as an extension of masturbatory practice, consistent with the Icean emphasis on “excessive individualism,” rather than as an interpersonal event. Turnbull suggests that sexual activity can occur without involvement; it does not need much cooperation nor much affection. Such is the sad case of the Ik, who apparently can engage in sexual intercourse without violating the “cardinal Icean maxim, which is not to love anyone”. Certainly the Ik orientation to sexual intercourse is radically divergent and lacks the considerations found in other societies, such as the Mangaian (Polynesian), in which men attempt “orgasmic timing” with their partners, having received explicit instruction in this regard (Marshall) In matters of Mangaian sexual performance it is believed that, “the man who only goes a short time does not love his wife” (Marshall).

*125/187/5*

Patterns of sexual behavior among people do not arise independently or quixotically in some random fashion. Rather, they are part of society and culture, and reflect patterns of sex roles, beliefs about men and women, religious beliefs, notions of modesty and socialization practices, population and ecological factors, and other characteristics of a particular group. As Rostand said, in the joining of two human bodies, all society is the third presence.

An example of the interrelationship between sexual and nonsexual phenomena is an analysis by Friedl of sex roles in foraging and horticultural societies. She suggests that the universality of a degree of male dominance is the male monopoly on hunting game and their power to distribute it. If male hunting is minimal, and both sexes collect the plants which comprise most of the diet, women’s status is more equal to that of men. Women have the lowest status in groups whose main food is big game hunted entirely by the men. The importance of variations in patterns of male dominance is especially noted in marital sex relations. If woman has a more equal status, because of her role in providing a large share of the food, she has considerable autonomy in sexual matters. She may initiate sex and expect satisfaction. She may divorce, and her adultery is not more serious than is the husband’s. If her status is very low, the male being sole provider of all food, she may have no control over sexual relations in or out of marriage. Among the Eskimo, for example, who subsist on big game or sea mammals hunted by men only, the sexual services of women are considered a commodity that men can take at will, or give or exchange to another man. Pubertal girls are fair game for any man, and wives are freely exchanged among men who wish to make alliances with one another or to repay favors (Friedl).

*88/187/5*