Do brassieres cause breast cancer? Will switching to undershirts decrease your risk? Probably not. Although Sydney Ross Singer and Soma Grismaijer, the husband and wife coauthors of Dressed to Kill: The Link Between Breast Cancer and Bras (ISCD Press), maintain that the bra/breast cancer link is supported by scientific evidence, their “study” of this evidence is full of holes.
The bra/breast cancer theory was born several years ago in Fiji, when Grismaijer found a lump in her breast. Around the same time, her husband noticed the red marks on her body from her bra…and became convinced that the bra was to blame for her lump.
Grismaijer did not have the lump biopsied. Instead, she began a regimen of exercise, organic vegetarian food, purified water, herbs and vitamin supplements—and complete bralessness.
Guess what? The lump disappeared. But to attribute its disappearance to not wearing a bra—as Grismaijer does—is ridiculous.
*5/47/1*
Another objection by this same patient was, “What if my wife isn’t playing a game? What if she really gets headaches? Isn’t it cruel to imitate her?” Generally when a symptom (headache) happens repeatedly and directly in response to the same situation (sex), it is psychosomatic. This is not to say that the headaches are not real. They are real—but they also are somatic representations of unconscious feelings. So to cure the headache entails resolving the feelings underneath. It is no crueler to mirror her headaches than it would be to apply an ice bag to her temple.
The other reason why my patient was skeptical was that he didn’t want to give up the game he had been unconsciously playing until then—the passive game of “Oh, what I have to endure because of you.” He would rather have continued that game and derive its secondary benefits of feeling morally superior to his “rejecting” wife than take an action designed to end their ritualistic conundrum. All too often we would rather cling to an old way, even if it is not working, than venture to a new one.
*101/196/1*
They go on, repeating variations of these phrases until they are ready to have sex. Then she climbs on top of him and begins to have sex with him. During the sexual experience, they are to look glumly into each other’s eyes and say the negative litany again, exaggeratedly.
“Everything’s hopeless.”
“Yes, everything.”
“Sex is hopeless.”
“Absolutely hopeless.”
“Nothing matters.”
“Why bother?”
As they continue, they may become more personal.
“Life is hopeless, but I’m having sex with you anyway.”
“It’s all hopeless, but I’m kissing you.”
“You’re hopeless, but you have a nice tongue.”
“You’re hopeless, but I might as well use you.” As they become excited, they continue the negativity.
“I’m getting excited, but it’s useless.”
“I’m getting a little excited too, but it doesn’t mean anything.”
“It’s hopeless.”
“Everything’s hopeless.”
“Perhaps I’ll have a hopeless orgasm.”
“Yes, a very hopeless orgasm.”
*76/196/1*
This is the way the conversation might go, but it will of course vary according to the couple. (In some cases it may be the husband who gets headaches, and the wife will wear some white article of clothing, such as a nurse’s or nun’s hat—white symbolizing purity.)
If the active spouse can manage to pull off this abrupt change in attitude with sincerity, it can have amazing results. The wife may throw herself into his arms right away, disarmed by this new attitude and the mysterious, provocative bow tie. The fact of the tie, plus his statement that she could remove it only when they have sex, will immediately put their sexual relationship on a different plane: Instead of the whining corn-plainer for whom she must do her duty, he becomes a charming, teasing challenge. And he will in fact be mirroring her own mode, offering care while withholding sex.
In more difficult cases, it may take a while to break down the wife’s resistance. The husband must be prepared to wait as long as necessary, pouring on the kindness and bearing her skepticism and anger with grace. It is a game of wills, and he must funnel his own anger into this constructive battle, killing (defeating) her with kindness. Eventually, if he persists, she will surrender.
Once she does, a new balance will have been accomplished. She will have given herself to him not out of guilt or duty, but because at last she really wanted to. And he will have taken perhaps his first step in learning the value of constructive charm.
*51/196/1*
No matter what he says or how long or in how many ways he resists, the wife is to persist with her seduction: “I know it’s silly, but come join me anyway,” she says; or, “I know you’re starving, but come join me for a while anyway”; or, “Yes, it cost a few dollars, but come join me for a while and you’ll see it was worth it”; or, “You think I look idiotic? Come join me and you’ll see how truly idiotic I can look!” Repeat these phrases as many times as needed, until the husband surrenders.
For extremely difficult cases, the wife may need to do something more physical. She may, for instance, have some champagne (or his favorite other drink) ready and can try to loosen him up with that. She may offer a massage for his tired shoulders. She may perform a belly dance or striptease. Or, she may crawl up to him on her knees, unzip his pants, and take a hands-on approach to seduction. Each case will be different, and in each case the wife must rely on her own understanding of what her husband’s particular weakness is. If he’s obsessed with the stock market, she may suddenly show miraculous knowledge of that day’s activity. If he loves baseball, she may suddenly reverse her usual aversion to it, don a baseball cap, and begin a conversation about that day’s game, the statistics of the opposing pitchers, the need for a new manager, and so on.
*26/196/1*